A few days ago I had one of those moments, backed up by wonderment but in the middle. Well stuff happens!
I have been around negativity and it wears me down. I understand when someone who has loads to deal with doesn’t want to focus on it. That when incredibly hard decisions need to be made, it is the last thing they want to focus on. They want to keep it light and fluffy, I appreciate it, I really do.
But I have to be among the negative people. To work effectively in that area there is no point me coming in like Pollyanna playing the glad game. I can play it inside, but to meet someone in their pit you have to dive in and sometimes that means breathing underwater without the joy enveloping for a while.
In the last few days I have spent time with someone close to me who drains my life force, they are like a Dementor from Harry Potter squeezing the joy from me, not content until every last drip has been exuded.
When I get away and can breathe again, I get so guilty about running away and yet if I couldn’t breathe fresh air I would not be able to return. There is a sadness surrounding me,a deep regret that things could not be different, maintaining a hope that things can improve, a prayer for the person to find the spiritual peace and strength to face operations and long term treatment.
I have to spend time with those people whom I find most difficult because in learning to love them I learn to love me. No matter how hard I find other people I still consider myself the hardest to love but then no matter how much a person tells me about their backstory I will never really know them. Even if we have a shared history due to living in the same area or the same house, even then I can’t say I know a person. But I do know me and sometimes…
I need those moments of encouragement from The Lord because the pit can be closer than we think. I need rainbows and crocuses and pussy willow to remind me that winter is almost over and spring is coming. Some people live in winter their entire lives, I can’t anymore, there are glimpses of winter but the focus isn’t there. The doubts remain about my ability but I stay steadfast because to do otherwise would be disobedient.
And then there was yesterday, what was that about???